Top 10 Reasons Why Caucasians Shouldn't Use Hair-Care Products Intended for African Americans (no matter how in touch with your inner-sistah you feel)

So, I was cleaning out from underneath my bathroom sink two nights ago in preparation for our impending move and I happen across a bottle of "Smooth N' Shine Polishing Spray." I thought to myself, "Oh, Kymmie must've left this when she was here in December," and I put it back under the sink.

Knowing full-well that this was a black hair-care product but feeling desperate because my hair (in all of its 'whiteness') was just "more dull and unshiny" than normal, the "Smooth N' Shine Polishing Spray" was calling my name in a hard-core way. I think to myself, "Oh, what can it hurt?" and even decide to read the bottle to see if it strictly forbids "white people" from using said product. No warning on the bottle, so I go for it! So, the following represents the Top 10 Reasons Why That Was Not a Good Idea!

1. The bottle does not specify how many sprays to use of the stuff. So, naturally, I start with 1 or 2 sprays. 2 sprays is definitely not enough to fix dull, unshiny, white-people hair.

2. TEN (10) sprays certainly did the trick.

3. ONE (1) spray was definitely too many!

4. It's true - my hair did straighten better; however, my head also looks like I poured half a pound of bacon grease on it!

5. Not knowing what to do to fix the problem, it was necessary to call Kymmie for a "beauty intervention," realizing that she was going to pee her pants due to the hysterical laughter that was about to ensue.

6. Kymmie informed me that it was necessary to strip my hair of all impurities (including the "Smooth N' Shine Polishing Spray) using special Neutrogena shampoo. Kymmie warned me that this would really make my hair dry, dull, and disgusting, but that it had to be done if I ever had hope of getting rid of bacon grease head. This is the point where I realized that perhaps said product was really not intended for those who are Caucasian.

7. I had a further realization that 10 squirts of this stuff equates to washing your hair approximately 4 times with special Neutrogena shampoo that seems to have the same effect on your hair as say battery acid would have when on skin.

8. No amount of conditioner will EVER restore the moisture to my poor hair.

9. It is not a good idea, no matter how dry and brittle white hair now is after this beauty intervention, to reach for the "hair grease" also left under the bathroom sink, in a desperate attempt to put moisture back into hair and scalp. Even a little bit of that stuff on a white head is TOO MUCH.

10. Washing your hair with special Neutrogena shampoo multiple times a day for the next week might begin to get the hair grease out, but I'm thinking that there are no guarantees at this point. It might be a good idea to step away from the beauty products.